Links I Mentioned in the Episode:
And now on to the show notes!
Today I want to talk about the fact that we need to STOP living our lives based on everyone else's standards. So... let me explain a little bit.
First of all, i wanna preface this with: There is NOTHING WRONG with serving others. And there is nothing wrong with making people happy.
BUT! When it stops you from doing the work you're supposed to do, there's a problem.
I have TWO struggles in this (so it's kind of two-fold):
➢ People-pleasing is a REALLY big problem for me.
Switching those things around and bringing life into a bit more balance has made a big impact on the way that I live my life.
➢ The OTHER side of this is that I often struggle with taking on other people's ideas or ideals.
And what I mean by that is that you are EASILY SWAYED by what others count as important.
You can feel guilt or stress for things that aren't your top priority, and you can add things that aren't as important into your life.
So, for me, that looked like feeling guilty because I wasn't exercising enough. (when the other areas of my health were not in balance yet.) So exercise should NOT have been my most important thing at that point.
In order to break these bad habits, you HAVE to figure out what's most important. (I talked a little bit about that on my last episode, REST: Episode 2 — LISTEN HERE.)
For me, my rest and inner health was more important than losing weight when I first started chasing wonderment. And losing weight has taken me YEARS, but my inner health, and other areas of health were more important that actually losing pounds.
❗️If you need help figuring out what you're first important step is, I have a free guide that you can sign up for! The guide is a printable, 8-page workbook that asks a lot of questions with plenty of room to write down your answers.
➢ The next thing that is really REALLY important is to STICK TO IT.
So, you use what's important to you as your GUIDE. If it doesn't measure up to what's important to you: DON'T DO IT. I cannot stress that enough. If someone wants you to go do something and right now you know that what's important to you means that you need to take a nap, instead of dropping everything to go spend time with that person, then don't go.
And that is OK. It doesn't mean that you don't love that person, it doesn't mean that you won't make time to spend with them later. But if that's not what's important, you NEED to learn to say no.
➢ And that leads me to ANOTHER thing that I really struggled with in this area; Learning to Say NO.
This has been REALLY huge for me in figuring out how to find more balance in this area of people-pleasing vs. living the life that I know I need to be living right now. Saying no is a huge, Huge step. And one of the BEST ways that I have figured it out (so far) is to just let your No be NO. (bible verse)
You don't need to give lots of excuses like "Ooohh... maybe I'll do it in a few days..." or lots of excuses. If it's a "No" then just say NO. Say it as gently and kindly as possible. Maybe you could say something like "I can't do this right now, I would love to, but I am overloaded." or, "I have enough on my plate right now, and this is not something I need to add in." Let your No be NO.
➢ Something else to remember with this is that what is important to you right now, is probably going to change.
Right now, what is important to you might be setting your phone down so that you're not checking every notification, and constantly popping up Instagram to see what your feed looks like. And that's okay for you to focus on that right now, but there will probably come a time when you feel like you've got that under your belt. And that's when it's time for a change.
So, your important "thing" is going to change, and it's going to morph as you GROW as a person. And just, understand that; be ready for that. Try to kind of stay aware of how you feel like you're doing in your "important thing" that you're working. For me, rest was very important, but I did not STAY in a state of resting ALL. THE. TIME. I got to a point where I didn't need as much rest, and I started adding in more exercise and working on other aspects of my health.
➢ NOW. There will ALSO be times when you still need to flexible.
You can say "no" all you want, but when something happens in a friend's life, in a family member's life, there are still gonna be times in life when you have to be flexible and be willing to change. For example, there was a time when I needed a lot of rest, and I was taking the time I needed to rest and to work on my own health, (taking tons of naps, not over-committing, and things like that.) But one of my friends was going through something at that time, and I had to drop what I needed in order to help that person. Because, that's where I was needed at that moment.
So: there are definitely times when you need to stand and stick up for yourself, and say "NO, I am not going to be a people-pleaser," or "I'm not going to go do this fun thing that would be fun, but I know it's going to derail my bigger-picture health, or my bigger-picture dreams..." BUT there are ALSO times when you need to say "Okay, I'm going to set this aside for a few days to take care of this person that I love."
Only you will be able to figure out where that line is for you. It's gonna look different for every person, but being flexible is one of the MOST important things with people-pleasing. You will LEARN to understand where that boundary is for you, where you will pick and choose what you say yes and no to. And also sometimes where you set some things aside so that you can take care of someone that you love.