How to Stop People-Pleasing.
I am a recovering people-pleaser.
Conversations with friends used to go something like this:
Friend: “Hey! Can I come over in twenty minutes?"
In my head: I'll have to put off my errands, and the laundry will need to wait for the second time in a row...
Second Friend: Do you want to hang out today?”
Me: SURE! I've got someone coming over in twenty minutes, but I can meet you for coffee later on today!
Also me: I just have to set aside all the other things I wanted to do today, and I can figure out how to make it all happen somehow.
Now, there's NOTHING wrong with hanging out with friends, and that's totally NOT the point I'm trying to make today.
What I'm trying to say is this:
My natural instinct is to say “yes."
I've been known to drop my own plans & goals to make others happy. And while giving to others isn’t a BAD thing… it can become a problem if you’re neglecting the things that REALLY matter.
People-pleasing can put your life on auto-pilot, instead of living on PURPOSE.
And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather enjoy the moments in my life, instead of filling every space of time with things just because somebody asks. I'd rather slow down and have some white space. But I can’t do that if I’m constantly dropping what’s important for me and my family to do what everyone else wants!
So… how do we STOP the people pleasing? (and start recovering!)
Find out what’s important to you.
Be confident in who we are.
This one is SUPER important. One of the biggest reasons I people-please? It's because I’m not confident in who I am, and what my purpose is. (and that leads to second-guessing my decisions). Because I’m not sure of who I am, I'm unsure of what I should be saying yes and no to.
I've spent time learning who I am, and I've taken what I've learned & put it in a mini-course that drops right into your inbox! If you're interested in learning something REALLY cool about yourself (and having something to remind you of WHO you are on a daily basis... the you should join “4 Steps to You”!
Learn how to say no.
GIRL. This is the HARDEST thing for me. I hate saying no. Hate, hate, HAaaaate it. I don’t want to make anyone sad. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I Reeeaaaallllly don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it later. (FOMO, anyone?)
But if you want to live well, you’ve GOT to learn how to say no.
I heard this said once and it’s something to live by for those of us who are people-pleasers:
(Pardon the french. It's worth hearing.)
If someone asks you to hang out on Tuesday, and you don’t instantly say “YAY!” then it’s a solid no.
Something to remember about saying NO: It's not a forever no unless you need it to be. You might need to say a solid "no" to an unhealthy relationship. Or, you might need to give a "not right now" kinda no. If Tuesday feels stressful, check your calendar and find a better day.
These days, I'm a lot more purposeful in my yes-es.
I don't say "YES!" instantly just because someone asks me to do something for them, or hang out. I take a few minutes to review my schedule, my to-do list, and answer accordingly. It's still a struggle for me, but I'm learning. 🙌🏻
Want to be ore purposeful with the time you give to others (and yourself?
Come join me for a week-long course called “5 Days to Slow”! Every day you’ll have a short lesson delivered right to your inbox, and by the end of 5 days you'll have a better idea of how to pick and choose what you say yes (and no) to!