The Problem with People-Pleasing.
Do you struggle with people-pleasing? People-pleasing is a difficult subject — because it often comes with lots of guilt and feelings of selfishness. But here’s the thing: If you don’t stop people-pleasing, it will rule your life. Keep reading to discover the Problem with People-Pleasing.
Hi, I’m Kate, and I’m a Recovering People-Pleaser. (There. Phew… I said it. 😳)
I used to feel SO guilty for saying no. To anyone. For anything. My life basically went something like this:
Friend: “Hey! Can I drop something off in, like, twenty minutes?”
Me: “YES! Absolutely!”
Me, (in my head): “Okay… I can wait on the groceries, and the laundry needs to be stuffed onto our bed, and…” * begin frantic house cleaning *
Then a text message dings on my phone:
Me: “Oh my gosh! I have to answer this RIGHT NOW… I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her…”
Second Friend: “Do you wanna meet at Target?”
Me: “SURE! I've got someone coming over in ten minutes, but I can meet you for coffee later on!
Me, (in my head): “Okay.. it’s okay! I can just set aside the stuff I needed to do today. No problem. I can figure out how to make it happen… Somehow.”
PLEASE HEAR ME: I’m not saying that hanging out with friends, saying yes, or being hospitable is a bad thing. But I AM saying that if you let it, people-pleasing will rule your life.
Here’s the Problem with People-Pleasing:
It “Seems” Right.
First off, it “seems” like the selfless (and therefore, RIGHT) thing to do. But there’s an issue with this argument. Let’s look at this Bible verse:
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
So, the better question to ask yourself, is: “Is this WISE?”
And that leads me to my second point:
Your “Yes” is also a “No”.
Every “YES” you give means that you’re also saying “NO” to something (or someone) else.
This puts people-pleasing in a totally different perspective. If you’re constantly saying yes to things that aren’t on your “Top 5” list… you’re saying NO to other (possibly more important!) things.
So, a better question might be, “What am I saying NO to?”
Here’s the thing: I usually WANTED to say yes — It was FUN! I spent time with my friends, and drank lots of coffee. What’s not to love? 😆
But there were consequences to my people-pleasing behavior:
I felt guilty ALL the time.
Instead of being intentional with my time, my “drop-everything” pattern always came back to bite me.
I felt emotionally drained because I wasn’t putting up boundaries on my time and energy.
I struggled to keep up with what mattered most to me.
Are you living in a cycle of saying “yes” and feeling like a failure? Friend, it always leads to the same place: You’ll get so tired of the saying “yes” that you’ll start saying “no” to EVERYTHING. (I’m speaking from experience!)
You can’t give from a weary spirit.
Life looks radically different for me these days. I’ve learned how to be more intentional with my Yes’s and No’s. I’ve found some easy steps to help me make quick, easy decisions. I’ve learned tricks for letting go of the guilt, and I feel confident that I’m consistently prioritizing what matters most.
